Should I side with my parents or my husband?

Sources

• ✓ 29:8 · Al-Ankaboot

  29:8 · Muhammad Marmaduke Pickthall

  وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ

  We have enjoined on man kindness to parents; but if they strive to make thee join with Me that of which thou hast no knowledge, then obey them not. Unto Me is your return and I shall tell you what ye used to do.

• ✓ 4:35 · An-Nisaa

  4:35 · Muhammad Marmaduke Pickthall

  وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَٱبْعَثُوا۟ حَكَمًۭا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِۦ وَحَكَمًۭا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَآ إِن يُرِيدَآ إِصْلَٰحًۭا يُوَفِّقِ ٱللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَآ ۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًۭا

  And if ye fear a breach between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware.

• ✓ Tafsir Ibn Kathir on 4:35

  Sunni

  Tafsir Ibn Kathir · 4:35

  Allah first mentions the initial situation, which is when there is repulsion and rebelliousness from the wife toward the husband. Then He mentions the second case, when such hostility arises from both spouses, saying, "If you fear a dispute between them, appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family." The scholars explain that when conflict occurs between husband and wife, the arbitrator first settles them in a safe place, someone trustworthy, to observe their situation and prevent injustice by either party. If the dispute worsens and prolongs, the arbitrator then appoints a reliable person from the wife's family and another from the husband's to come together, examine the matter closely, and take whatever action they see best, whether separation or reconciliation. The Qur'an aims to encourage reconciliation, as stated: "If they seek to make peace, Allah will bring them together in harmony." Ali ibn Abi Talha, citing Ibn Abbas, related that Allah commands sending two righteous arbiters, one chosen from each spouse's family, to determine which party is at fault. If the husband is the one causing harm, they restrict the wife’s contact with him and limit him to financial maintenance only. If the wife is at fault, she is confined to her husband's house with financial support withheld from her. If the arbiters agree on reconciliation or divorce, their decision is permitted. If they choose union but one party desires separation, and that party dies first, the one consenting to the union inherits, but the other does not. This narration was transmitted by Ibn Abi Hatim and Ibn Jarir. Abd al-Razzaq reported from Ma'mar, from Ibn Tawus, from Ikrima, from Ibn Abbas that he was appointed along with Muawiya as arbitrators. Ma'mar added that he heard Uthman had appointed them and instructed that if they regarded reunion as proper, they should reconcile the couple; if separation, then they should separate them. Another report relates that Aqil ibn Abi Talib married Fatima bint Utbah ibn Rabi'a, who resisted his dominance in maintaining the household and introduced discord. When Uthman was informed, he sent Ibn Abbas and Muawiya to arbitrate, but they returned finding the spouses had locked themselves inside, refusing to open the doors. Abd al-Razzaq relates from Ma'mar, from Ayyub, from Muhammad ibn Sirin, from Ubaida, who witnessed Ali arbitrating between a couple. Each spouse came with their supporters, and Ali appointed arbitrators from both sides, telling them, "Do you know your responsibility? If you decide they should reconcile, so be it." The woman accepted Allah’s book, but the man refused divorce. Ali rebuked him, insisting he accept what Allah prescribed or remain with his wife. The majority of scholars hold that the arbitrators have authority to reconcile or separate the couple. Ibrahim al-Nakha'i said if the arbitrators wish to separate them by pronouncing divorce once, twice, or thrice, it is valid; a narration attributed to Malik. Al-Hasan al-Basri, Qatadah, and Zaid ibn Aslam hold the view that arbitrators only rule for reconciliation, not separation, supported by Ahmad ibn Hanbal, Abu Thawr, and Dawud, based on the verse stating "If they seek to make peace, Allah will unite them," with no mention of separation. If the arbitrators are representatives appointed by the spouses, rather than by the judge, their decision on both reunion and separation is followed without dispute. There is scholarly disagreement regarding the arbitrators' status: whether they are appointed by the judge with the authority to rule even without the spouses’ consent, or simply representatives appointed by the spouses themselves. The majority favor the former, based on the wording of the verse referring to them as two arbitrators, implying authority to decide regardless of consent. Ali's statement rejecting the husband’s refusal to divorce demonstrates the judge-appointed nature of arbitrators; if they were merely spouses' agents, such insistence on acceptance would not be necessary. Scholars, including the commentator Abu Umar ibn Abd al-Barr, confirm that when the arbitrators differ in opinion, the ruling of one does not override the other, yet their combined decision on reconciliation is binding even without the spouses' delegation. However, there is a debate whether their decision on divorce is similarly binding; most scholars endorse implementing their ruling on separation as well.

• ✓ Majma al-Bayan fi Tafsir al-Qur'an on 4:35

  Shia

  Majma al-Bayan fi Tafsir al-Qur'an · 4:35

  Recitation Variants: The phrase begins "Wa-in khiftum shiqaqa baynahuma" (And if you fear discord between them). The word "shiqaq" is derived from "shaq," meaning a clear parting or division. Two people are said to be in "shiqaq" if each is on a different side in enmity or conflict, indicating separation and discord. Language Notes: The term "shiqaq" means disagreement and animosity. It is derived from the root "shaq," signifying a distinct part or separation. Thus, the two who are "mutashaqan" (in discord) each stand in a different "shaq," or side, opposed to the other. The root concept of "tawfiq" (success, bringing together) originally meant agreement or concurrence, like equality in a matter. The kind of "tawfiq" mentioned here refers to the gentle facilitation by God that enables acts of worship or obedience to occur harmoniously in their appointed time. "Tawfiq bayna nafsayn" (reconciliation between two people) means mending the relationship between them. Agreement may sometimes denote equality or parity, as in the idiom of two dice showing the same number, symbolizing coincidence by chance. Grammatical Parsing: The phrase "shiqaq" originally would have been an adverbial phrase but is used here as a noun through the attachment of "baynah" (between). The wording "fa-in khiftum" means "if you fear" or "if you are apprehensive" of discord between them. This indicates a conditional phrase expressing concern over conflict. Meaning: The verse addresses what to do when there is discord between spouses. After mentioning the appointment of an arbitrator when one spouse acts wrongly, it adds a provision for when it is uncertain or suspicion arises regarding conflict. "Wa-in khiftum shiqaqa baynahuma" means "if you fear discord between them." Some early scholars interpreted "khiftum" as knowledge, but fear or apprehension is more accurate because if the discord were fully known, arbitration would already be necessary. The discord "shiqaq" refers to enmity and conflict between the two spouses. The solution proposed is to appoint an arbitrator from the husband's family and one from the wife's family to consider and judge the matter. The "hukm" (arbitrator) is the one entrusted with this task. Regarding who should carry out this arbitration, there are differing views. The prevalent opinion among scholars like Sa‘id ibn Jubayr, al-Dhahhak, and most jurists, supported by reports from the Imams (the truthful ones), is that the addressee is the governing authority or ruler to whom the spouses appeal. Another opinion, attributed to al-Suddi, is that the spouses and their families themselves should appoint these arbitrators. About the powers of the arbitrators: Do they have authority to separate the couple by divorce if they see fit? The dominant view transmitted by the jurists quoting the Imams is that the arbitrators do not have that authority unless the couple themselves request and accept the arbitrators’ decision. Others, such as Sa‘id ibn Jubayr, al-Sha‘bi, al-Suddi, Ibrahim, and even from Ali (peace be upon him), say that the arbitrators have such authority. Those who hold this latter view regard the arbitrators as agents acting on behalf of the spouses. "In yuridā iṣlāḥan" (if they both desire reconciliation) refers to the two arbitrators. If they seek to reconcile and settle the dispute, "yuwaffiqu Allahu baynahum" means God facilitates harmony between them, enabling the arbitrators to guide the spouses toward what is best. The pronoun here, "baynahum" (between them), refers according to Ibn Abbas, Sa‘id ibn Jubayr, and al-Suddi, to the arbitrators themselves. Another opinion holds that it implies God is the one who reconciles the spouses when the arbitrators desire reconciliation. "Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing" indicates that God is aware of the arbitrators’ intentions, whether for good or ill, and "Khabeer" (All-Aware) means He fully comprehends what benefits and harms the spouses. Thus, the verse explains the process to follow when discord is feared between spouses: appointing arbitrators from both families who, if they intend well, will be helped by God to reconcile the couple, with God’s knowledge and awareness overseeing the matter.